Spin-off: Four Demonly Kings
Mission canon(s): Vocaloid
Part 1 of: Pennacook Club Membership arc
Kaguya is not in a particularly good mood. Set after New Year 2023.
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: problematic romantic behaviour; public indecency. The writer of this post does not endorse the contents and views of the work of fiction being parodied in it.
The fic, titled "Yandere Hastune Miku x Male Reader x Yandere Female Friend", belongs to Storyteller_00 and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it. VOCALOID software was invented by YAMAHA CORPORATION; Hatsune Miku is the creation of Crypton Future Media, Inc.
"No need to worry, I'm alright."
* no, he's not.
Today's story took place shortly after RC 381's kadomatsu was put away. That afternoon, the two-room washitsu RC was a tad livelier than usual; Momoka had just returned from a shopping trip to find music loudly playing behind its door, filling the space with the airy lightness of strings and the warm pounding of taiko drums.
It was, without a doubt, the beginning to the Vocaloid classic, Yume to Hazakura.
In the room housing the computers, there Kaguya sat. He had dressed himself slightly more finely than he normally did: a cap to go with his Taishō roman student kimono, round glasses with a gold chain, a thick felt overcoat that now lay sprawled on the tatami next to a closed umbrella. He was clearly engrossed in the music, closing his eyes and humming along, until he heard his maid entering, at which point he opened his eyes and said, "Ah, Momo. You're home."
The smile he then gave her was not as charming as it usually was. That coupled with the coat and umbrella on the floor was more than enough for Momoka to understand her master wasn't playing the music for celebratory reasons.
That morning, Kaguya had gone to give the interview for that coveted membership to the Pennacook Club. To this end, he'd donned his best "gentleman novelist" outfit, spent a bit more time on makeup, and not forgotten to quote Tanizaki Jun'ichirō when he could. The interview had gone smoothly… until the end.
It seemed as unbelievable as it could get. It was not without a reason that a member of the exclusive bar thought him worthy of an invitation – cultured botchan, tea ceremonist, standing like a shakuyaku, sitting like a peony, walking like a lily. Yet, he'd failed; he was judged unfit for membership at the interview stage.
Was it because he'd studied the Urasenke school of tea ceremony rather than either of the two less mainstream ones? Was it because he played video games? Was it because he considered songs sung by vocal synthesizers good music? Whatever the reason was, what happened happened, and Kaguya had no choice but to try and bury his disappointment, distract himself with his favourite music.
"I've always liked songs with obvious traditional Japanese influence," he said to Momoka, whom he was now embracing. "but I like them even more if they're sung by Gackpo or Luka. When I first heard a duet cover of Yume to Hazakura using them, it was the most otherworldly experience I'd ever had. Oh, it was one masterful use of the two; I had trouble sleeping because of how hot I felt. They both have sensual vocal qualities, but in the cover they both sounded downright divine."
Momoka laughed along with him, but didn't feel content, even as he started whispering a Ki no Tsurayuki poem into her ear. Kaguya was obviously not enjoying himself, even as he tried to banter like he usually did. I wish there was a way to help him forget what happened, she thought.
My love
As common wisdom would have it, be careful what you wish for. Momoka's wish, even if in her head, caught the attention of the laws of comedy, and so the two were in a badfic in short order – a Vocaloid badfic, even though they were in the Video Games division. Kaguya's mind was off his distress – but only because he was in "angry mode", roaring nonsense at the inept prose and atrocious punctuation.
"A mini in the fic's title; I cannot believe this fic. Is there no hope left in this world? 🥦" he said.
This did not put Momoka at ease at all. Compounding the matter further was the mini newly spawned, Hastune. In badfics about Vocaloids or UTAUs, each misspelling of a canonical name would produce a Hachune – a poorly drawn chibi version of Hatsune Miku, but coloured differently depending on the character name misspelled. Thus, even before the fic started, Momoka had to contend with a teal-haired chibi with perpetually blank eyes and agape mouth repeatedly trying to hit her with a Welsh onion.
" As you listen to your Vocaloid mixtape you begin to feel hungry." You- Well better go get a snack. " As you walk to your kitchen you hear something fall in your room, as you walk back to your room you then see a girl on your bed with a gray-black dress with blue-green hair."
Misfortune followed misfortune. Momoka was simply flabbergasted; she didn't know what to make of Hatsune Miku's appearing out of thin air with grack clothing and bleen hair, then declaring the bland protagonist Master (y/n) in about three seconds. Not only that, thanks to the fic's interesting use of quotation marks, all narration ended up read aloud by all characters present on the scene. It was altogether such an indescribable experience that Momoka didn't know what to write down in her charge notebook.
But more importantly, this development made Kaguya more upset and rant a bit louder.
The Incident
"How can a fic for a canon that literally has no canon still mess up this bad?" Kaguya said. "tHe FiC hAs A wIdE oPeN sAnDbOx FoR aLl SoRtS oF cHaRaCtErIzAtIoNs AnD sToRiEs WhEn It CoMeS tO vOcAlOiD cHaRaCtErS, aNd ThE bEsT iT cAn CoMe Up WiTh Is ThIs?"
Momoka dutifully noted down his complaint. Kaguya was clenching his fists to the point of shaking, and it was not hard to see why. The fic grew even crazier barely halfway through the first chapter: the protagonist went to school and met OC friend Lucia, then was immediately confronted by an enraged Miku, who threatened to kill any girl (y/n) talked to in authentic clichéd yandere fashion. Then the second chapter arrived, starting off with:
"Your lips then meet Hastune Miku's lips and you two kiss for half a minute until Hastune Miku removes her lips from your."
Hastune Miku-I had my first kiss with Master (y/n)! YAA!
"As she fangirls over the kiss you start to feel someone tug on your colar."
[…]
Lucia-Did you forget about me?!
Momoka put a hand over her master's mouth to prevent him from crying too loudly and drawing attention.
(y/n) excused themself to go to science class. Inside a beige classroom of undescribed students, the agents sat among the crowd, quietly observing. They didn't have to wait for long; the teacher introduced Miku to the class as a new student, then…
"As you look at Hastune Miku, you see her taking pictures of you on her phone."
Momoka immediately charged for using a phone in class and nonconsensual photography.
"This is not a yandere, this is a low-quality counterfeit of a yandere," Kaguya said, while Miku drops a note on your desk and then nonchalantly texted (y/n) in class. "This oOo feels oOo like oOo a oOo disjointed oOo collection oOo of oOo yandere oOo traits oOo rather oOo than oOo an oOo actual oOo yandere oOo character. oOo There oOo are oOo ways oOo to oOo write oOo a oOo yandere oOo Miku oOo, and oOo this oOo isn't oOo one oOo of oOo them."
He was crumpling up and tearing random sheets of paper on the desk, not helped by newly spawned Mikuky trying to attack him with its tiny Welsh onion. "Kaguya-sama, are you alright? Do you need to go to Medical?" Momoka asked. Not long after – while class was still in session – this happened:
"Miku then pulls up her skirt and you see her panties which are blue and white stripes and you nosebleed, then Lucia see's what she did and..."
Lucia-Hey, (y/n)!
"You then turn around and she lifts her shirt and skirt to where you can see her breasts and panties which are white with a little blue ribbon."
"Ugh, I've had enough!" Kaguya stood up in the middle of the classroom and yelled. "(y/n) and Lucia, you're under arrest by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum! You are charged with bad prose and horrible punctuation; an all-around nonsensical and ridiculous plot; zero knowledge of how a school is supposed to operate, namely having open phone use and indecent exposure in class; for that matter, sudden and inexplicable disturbing sexual behaviour; giving Hatsune Miku poor and laughable characterization; creating minis; and being Mary Sues. You shall be executed immediately."
This was a signal for Momoka to produce her kitchen knives.
"Kaguya-sama, I'm sorry for everything that happened," Momoka said, head kept down. Music was still playing, as the two did not have time to turn it off before the mission. "I should be cheering you up, but not only could I not manage that, you end up even more upset. I deserve nothing less than punishment."
"Why should I punish you? It's not your fault," Kaguya said, but it was not enough to sway Momoka.
"Then at least allow me to comfort you. Please, I cannot just stand by and watch you distressed."
At this, he reached a hand up to touch her face. "Then just stay by my side, listen to music with me, let me hold you. That's all I need."
"As you wish, my liege."
With that, the two shared a kiss amidst soft music and the breathy vocals of Megurine Luka.
Minis (all up for adoption):
- Hastune
- Mikuky
