Mission canon(s): Harry Potter
Carlisle, Émilie and Fáelán go to take on the sequel to Unknown. Cowrite with Linstar.
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: Twu Wuv between a student and his abusive teacher.
Full disclaimer here. Carlisle Cressington is the creation of Linstar, one of the writers of this mission. Émilie Beauchamp is loosely based on a character in a badfic by LoverOfAnime1. Her home continuum, Ratatouille, belongs to Disney and Pixar Animation Studios. The fic, titled "Better Days", belongs to Iicyb1tchiI and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it. Harry Potter is the creation of J. K. Rowling.
The following text is a work of parodic/satirical literary analysis. NO MONEY IS BEING MADE OFF THIS WORK.
Chapter 1
“Why? Why does something so terrible have to have a sequel?” Émilie whined, short of bursting into tears, as the agents found themselves in yet another generic pre-fic void. “The Stu is already gone! I wanna go home!”
Fáelán wanted to console her but couldn't find any words. He just wrang his hands awkwardly.
Carlisle, meanwhile, just shot them both a disdainful gaze.
The indescribable voice shouted, This is a Sequel to Unknown. 7 Years after Harry, Draco and Severus declared their un dying love for—the voice paused mid-sentence.
“For what?” asked Émilie, slightly calmer. “That sentence isn’t complete.”
“Not to mention,” Fáelán added. “The way it’s phrased, ‘Harry’ is an event of some sort.”
The voice finally continued, each other Harry and Draco fall pregnant and Severus is in Dire need of help.
“Well, this is just wonderful,” Carlisle said. “Now we’re dealing with mpreg. I hate mpreg,” He winced. “I really don’t need flashbacks to that Harry/Voldemort/Ron fic.”
“And that is . . .” Émilie trailed off.
“It just means that a biologically male character gets pregnant,” Fáelán supplied. “Often, when poorly written, without a clear explanation as to how that’s physically possible.”
Émilie’s face grew pale, the same face Helena and Sheen made when Fáelán explained normal pregnancy to them.
Harry woke up and felt the sun hitting his face which was in possible because they lived in the dungeons
A miniature replica of the sun, about the size of a beach ball, appeared in mid-air and smacked Harry’s face. A large road sign reading “Possible, Scotland—In the Dungeons” appeared next to Harry’s bed.
Émilie just stared on in slack-jawed horror. “Did he—just shrink the Sun!?”
Fáelán shushed her. “It’s probably just a replica.”
and there where no windows down there. He noticed that Severus or someone had put an artificial window
Émilie breathed a sigh of relief as the miniature Sun was replaced by sunlight streaming in through a window that hadn’t been there a moment before.
In yet more dull prose, Harry got up and made his way to the Great Hall. Once he entered, Harry smiled at Draco and grinned
Émilie shrank back. It was happening again! Harry was smiling extra-wide—no doubt because he was simultaneously smiling and grinning.
Snape and Draco smiled and reached for him But stopped because Draco had suddenly gone pale and colapsed in a heap.
Draco fell to the ground and turned into a heap of dirty laundry.
“What?” Carlisle said. “I don’t think that’s what the Words meant . . .”
“The horrible formatting is making weird stuff happen,” Fáelán theorized.
“At least they stopped smiling,” Émilie said timidly.
Harry and
Severus jumped up and picked Draco (who had returned to his human self) up and carried him to the infirmery were they sat and waited for the news of
there beloved Draco.
Thanks to the spacing errors, the canons’ movements were jerky and awkward.
“I’ll add a charge for ‘distorted movement’,” Fáelán noted.
Madam Pomfrey loooked at the two men standing in front of her and smiled
Of course, she ended up with a slasher grin as well.
Émilie had to look away.
"well congratulation Mr Potter and Professor Snape Draco is Having a child"
A new mini—Professor Snape Draco—materialized. It was wearing no less than four pairs of glasses, apparently due to the Word World’s attempt to make it look dignified.
Émilie shrieked, and Carlisle portalled it away.
Chapter 2
Harry blacked out. When he awoke, Snape was standing over him. Harry asked where Draco was.
"Harry do you know how Draco was pregnant?" Snape asked.
“Stu powers?” Émilie guessed. “I mean, how else does someone without a uterus become pregnant?”
“In this continuum at least, I could buy that there was a spell or potion that enables male pregnancy,” Carlisle said. “Unfortunately, this fic doesn’t even say that.”
"In my world, there are regulated potions for merfolk who want to gain human forms and live on land, so uterus-growing potions might happen there one day. Not that I want bad mpreg fics in my home continuum," Fáelán added.
Harry nodded and looked at him with a worried expression.
"well it seems not only Draco but you too are also pregnant"
Harry stared at him and sighed, I wonder how this is going to change our relationship.
“His only thought is to wonder about his relationship?” Fáelán asked. “Really? Not worrying about being a dad? Or having a safe pregnancy? Or how on earth he could be pregnant? Or how his life has been thoroughly ruined, and it's steadily getting worse?”
"so where is Draco?"
"right here" Both present canons mumbled their lines simultaneously. Carlisle grumbled about the badfic forcing groups of characters to speak in sync.
Draco entered and insinuated that Snape was jealous of him and Harry.
"What Draco meant Sev is that we are both worried that you won't want us now that we are pregnant" Harry explained.
Severus looked surprised and immediately wrapped his arms around his two lovers and sighed
Snape’s arms extended themselves unnaturally.
“These fics are repetitive,” Fáelán sighed. “Haven’t we seen this bodily distortion before?”
“More to the point,” Carlisle said, standing up from where he’d been sitting on an empty hospital bed. “Why would they even consider that Snape would abandon them for being pregnant? That’s a horrible thing to do to someone, and it shows how poorly written this relationship, this fic, and these characters are that Harry immediately jumps to that conclusion.”
"I do love you two very much and just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that I will leave that two of you alone to deal
with this your self"
“And that’s it for that scene,” Carlisle said.
“Finally,” said Émilie. “I just want to get this over—aagh!”
- 6 months later -
The agents were thrown to the ground by the abrupt scene change.
“Mmph,” mumbled Émilie, facedown. Fáelán helped her up.
Harry and Draco were waddling down towards Severus dungeons when he was stopped by Professor Dumbledore. He
looked positively livid.
The dungeons suddenly appeared to be made of a writhing mass of Severus Snape. Harry and Draco were squatting down so as to better waddle. Harry was stopped by Dumbledore, and after a few seconds, became instantly enraged.
“This is creepy,” said Émilie, trying to balance on a pair of Snape heads.
Fáelán added “making the dungeons out of Severus Snape” to the charge list, then said, "This is even more traumatizing than all the creepy grins combined. Mme. Beauchamp, you're not afraid?"
Émile glared at him, only to fall backwards when one of the Snape heads nodded.
“I hate this,” Carlisle muttered to himself from on top of a Snape’s chest.
The canons began mumbling simultaneously, "Harry I had to live with the Fact that your mates were Severus and Draco but getting pregnant has gone to far! Who will
There was a pause.
defeat Voldemort?"
"Is that all you care about? Harry defeating Voldemort? You shouldn't be said to be a mentor if this is how your going to treat
Harry just because he found Happiness and you just can not handle it at all" Draco responded.
Carlisle rolled his eyes. “This is just stupid. If Voldemort takes over Wizarding Britain, he will kill Harry. Harry’s happiness is irrelevant here. And how does this stop Harry from defeating Voldemort?”
“Isn’t Harry still a minor? And pregnant?” Émilie said. “He should be more concerned about that than defeating Voldemort, whoever that is.”
Carlisle sighed. “I thought we covered this—actually, forget that, never mind. It’s not important right now.”
Dumbledore looked at him with the most angriest expression on his face.
Dumbledore’s face turned into a cartoonish anger emoji.
Fáelán noted a “facial distortion” charge.
"How DARE you talk to me that way" Dumbledore said.
growling Harry took hold of Draco and pushed him behind him and glared straight at Dumbledore.
"DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE AT MY MATE"
“That’s disrespect of faculty,” Fáelán added. “No matter what the headmaster believes, yelling at him like that probably won’t end well for you. There’s royalty studying at my school, mind you, and I’ve never seen them yell at the headmaster to get their way.”
“The jerky movements aren’t helping,” Émilie said.
Draco and Harry quickly hurried to Severus classroom. Naturally, Severus classroom turned out to be yet another area made from Severus Snape.
Émilie had to hold in a scream.
“Is Snape a standard building material?” Carlisle gritted his teeth as the agents began the awkward process of climbing over Snape clones yet again.
"Sev Dumbledore is out in the corridor and Harry is out there and they are arguing because Dumbledore can not accept that Harry is
happy and all he cares about is the fact that he won't be able to fight You Know Who" Draco said to a Snape clone in the floor.
“No, I don’t,” Émilie said. “Who is ‘You Know Who’?”
“No idea,” Fáelán said. “I don’t think they’ve been mentioned before.”
“Maybe they’re talking about the Dumbledore guy?” Émilie ventured.
Carlisle facepalmed.
Severus looked at Draco before running out in the corridor were he found a positively livid Harry standing alone. Harry looked up
at him and smiled yet another disturbing slasher grin. At this point, Émilie was too tired to care.
"It feels good to yell at Dumbledore because all he is, is a manipulative old coot and all he cares about is the downfall of Voldemort"
Carlisle gritted his teeth. “He’s also your Headmaster. And while he is manipulative, he does care about his students!”
Chapter 3
(Scene Change)
The agents stared at the large road sign with the scene tag on that materialized while their surroundings shifted.
“Well, that’s . . . something you don’t see every day,” Fáelán said.
“You can say that again,” Carlisle said.
The agents ended up in the library, where Harry noticed Ginny standing alone in the corridor looking out a
window at the grounds.
"are you all right Gin?"
A mini-Aragog holding a bottle of alcohol appeared. Carlisle sighed and opened a portal for it before Émilie had the time to be terrified by it.
Ginny turned around and looked at him
"How can I be all right? the man I love is with some one else and thinks I am a little girl"
Harry looked at her with a sad look
“Add a charge for redundancy,” Carlisle said. “In fact, better note it twice.”
“On it,” was Fáelán’s reply.
"Who is it Gin?"
“You,” Carlisle said. “Harry/Ginny is canon.”
Ginny looked at him and frowned and looked away.
Émilie tugged on a strand of her hair. “Does this fic know any other words than look?”
"Its...Its Draco"
Harry wondered if she knew that he was the one going out with Draco. "well...um...do you know the person that he is going out with?"
"I know it is you Harry but why would you go out with him you do not even like guys in that sort of way?" Ginny replied.
Harry looked at her and sighed shacking his head he walked off in search of his two lovers.
The agents stared in horror as Harry’s head turned into a small hut. Émilie let out a shriek, only to quickly cover her mouth.
“Let’s just portal to the infirmary,” Carlisle said.
(to be continued)
