Spin-off: Four Demonly Kings; Fairy Godfathers
Mission canon(s): Disney Twisted Wonderland
Part 4B of: Pennacook Club Membership arc
After two botched gentleman lessons, Urato was assigned a mission with an unexpected temporary partner. Takes place concurrently with Of Black Tie and Tiramisù.
The fic, titled "Twisted Wonderland : Lengend of the lost teapot : The True Story", was computer-generated using The Fanfic Maker and does not actually exist; any resemblance to other online content, including screen names, is coincidental.
Savanaclaw Dorm - Lounge
Lush trees, realistic rocky terrain, a refreshing pool, iced juice; this was proverbial heaven. It was hard to believe this was a high school dormitory rather than a luxury retreat. Urato, in disguise with fox ears, a fox tail and Savanaclaw dorm dress, reclined on a beach chair by the pool, a hollowed out pineapple filled with juice in one hand, a dumbbell in the other. For a mission, it was oddly enjoyable… if not for the presence of his temporary partner.
"Will you please put that metal object down and pay attention for a second?" nagged Sheen, then disguised as a human Scarabia student. "You're sipping too much juice and too frequently again. I said you're only to sip fifteen millilitres at a time and rest four and a half seconds between sips! Besides, how many times do I have to tell you to hold your little fingers out?"
"But how am I gonna measure exactly how much juice I'm sippin'?" Urato said. "Ar'ya sure dis is real gentleman behaviour? Sounds way too complicated tah me."
"Between us, I'm the one who was in an exclusive gourmet society," Sheen argued. "They have even more rules and decorums than what I'm currently teaching you, and being caught violating just one gets you shut out of the society and forbidden from communicating with its members for eternity. That is what being a gentleman is like. Now stop looking dumbfounded, the fic is about to begin."
Urato gave no answer. He had barely pulled out his notebook when the fic started, and a group of badly animated characters marched into view.
This is a story about how Sakura,ace and Chris all first met. It takes place in savanaclaw Highschool before all the events, incidents and happenings happened..
In this story Jamil is a jock, ace is a dork and miko is the school pet.
Urato never had time to get a word in before Sheen ran his mouth, "Charge for having two girls on campus for no reason; the school is for boys. None of the canon characters present are Savanaclaw students, and there doesn't seem to be a justifiable reason to their being here. Charge for calling the dorm savanaclaw Highschool, thus reducing the school to one dorm, as well. At least the fic gets right that Jamil Viper is a jock. Did you write everything down? The last thing we need is to forget any charge and get written up by our bosses as a result if not fired outright, so do me a favour and note them; I've had to deal with enough unprofessionalism in my career, so don't disappoint me."
Urato was still speechless.
Classroom
As the agents observed the Suvian trio Chris, Sakura and miko in class, Urato was starting to regret asking for a lesson from this insufferable fussball. When "Hotetchi" assigned him this mission, she made Sheen sound like precisely the person he was looking for: posh, well-read, always insisting on one kind of tea pastry every morning, and was a fairy to boot. Now, Urato had to resist the urge to punch a hole in the desk, while Sheen alternated between correcting his posture down to the millimeter and nagging him to focus on the fic.
The chairs were hard and made from wood. Probably hard wood.
"Charge fer redundant wording," Urato said in a voice low enough to not be heard by the teacher – periodically morphing between Trein, Crewel and Vargas due to lack of identification. "Like, man, I never knew yer into dis game too. Howdya play da game at yer real size?"
Deuce was actually trying to learn stuff, but failing because they sucked hard.
Jamil looked like they were studying, but Chris knew they was clearly just faking it. Probably cheating. Yes, his was cheating at learning.
[Deuce Spade (CV: Kobayashi Chiaki). Canon, male human, magic user. OOC level: 10%; huh, this fic actually writes him quite correctly. Maybe the fic isn't as bad as we thought? Jamil Viper (CV: Futaba Kaname). Canon, male human, magic user. OOC level: I TAKE IT BACK ASDFG12345£¢¥^°]
"Next time, I'd like if you didn't suddenly ask questions while especially charge-worthy events are happening. By the way, charge for rendering Jamil Viper OOC and insulting his intelligence," Sheen replied, crushing the overheating CAD underfoot. "To answer your question: I've been playing it for about a year now, on Portavius's phone; DoSAT refused to craft a pixie-sized smartphone. Believe me, I could not care less for video games, or having to constantly press my cheeks against a giant screen because neither my fingers nor palms have enough surface area for it to respond; oh, don't get me started on those music levels that require two fingers. The time spent doing that is preferably spent re-reading The Lord of the Rings. I only play it because it's my duty to do so."
Before Urato could react, Sheen continued, "You're holding your pen wrong; lean it 0.1267435 degrees back."
Crane Port - Pier
After class, Chris the Stu and his Sue girlfriend Sakura didn't return to their dorm; instead, they went to a nearby condo. Thus, the agents were sent to a random street on Sage's Island. Whether or not the Word World was strangely lenient was not clear, but the street they found themselves on was right by the seashore, with a picturesque view of clear sky, blue sea, sun and wind, and ships docked in the harbour.
That Sheen would make sure the snack Urato bought – cheesy potato pancakes laced with herbs – didn't contain animal flesh was understandable. His specifications on how to go about eating them were not. Namely, he wanted bites precisely the size of a thumb's first phalange, four-and-a-half-second rests between bites, and absolutely no stretching out the hot melted cheese. Urato's enjoyment was halved and his appetite lost; now his only concern was to finish the meal as quickly as he could.
After the last bite went down, he asked, "Whaddya mean it's yer duty to play dis game? Nobody here dictates what kinda fandom yer in. Ain't it da whole point o' da PPC; ev'rybody likin' different things, but comin' together to fight evil?"
"No one is told what work to like, but it is expected that agents are well-prepared, is it not? My partner Portavius is from this canon, but he refuses to learn anything about the canon story set in it. It almost got us in trouble when we were first assigned a mission here. Since neither of my partners are going to study this canon any time soon, it's either me doing it or all three of us fired. By the way, you finished rather quickly; did you chew exactly nine times?"
"Yer a strange person," Urato replied. "Ar'ya really sure dat's how ya be a gentleman? Heck, howdya even live with a metric ton of duties n' rules n' manners? I know a guy who does tea ceremony, and even he ain't make as much ovva fuss 'bout manners and rules as ya. Why didn't da console put ya in Heartslabyul? Yer gunna put Riddle to shame."
"I learned very early on that what matters is not my comfort. Be it in the gourmet society, the Pixie Dust Mill, the PPC or society in general, my comfort does not and will never matter. It's a rather important lesson, not just in gentleman behaviour but in life in general."
The conversation ended pleasantly with a scene change, landing both agents on their backside in a nondescript room. In this room, they caught Chris and Sakura shearing secrets with eachother – shearing a flock of sheep with the word "secrets" patterned all over their fleeces all while exchanging inane banter.
"Then there was that time I...Destroyed Deuces ming vase!"
"oh, Chris! thats positively evil! and I should know!"
They both laughed. The night had been full of stories like this. The time Sakura blackmailed a a Director. Or the time Chris fooled a Biochemist into thinking it was the end of the world.. Endless stories shared just between them and no one else.
"Charge fer not stayin' in da dorm. Charge fer random sheep outta nowhere. Charge fer makin' a mini too. Man, dis fic knows diddly squat 'bout Twisted Wonderland canon, but at least it ain't just copy-pastin' da game's story," Urato said. "Yeah, that's 'bout it. Time tah pull da plug on dis garbage fire."
"What are you saying? I'm not done yet; your sitting posture is still nowhere near acceptable!" Sheen called, but it was too late. Urato was no longer interested in the lesson; he ignored him, and waded through the flock of shorn sheep and piles of their "secrets" wool up to the Suvian duo before the banal ridiculousness could continue.
"Chris and Sakura, yer convicted of crimes against Twisted Wonderland fanfiction n' canon. Yer charges include zero understandin' of how da school works, namely makin' it admit female students n' reducin' it to one dorm; makin' a canon character OOC, namely Jamil; puttin' canon characters in da wrong dorm; not stayin' in yer dorm; sheep outta nowhere; bein' boring in general; mini creation; and bein' Sues. Fer dis, we're exterminating you."
The road to gentlemanhood was harder than Urato thought. Yet another mission went by, another lesson had failed and another agent in the same department to be annoyed by.
Would Urato achieve his goal of besting two rivals for that coveted Pennacook Club membership?
Minis (all up for adoption):
- Deuces
Rescued characters (all up for adoption):
- Herd of "secrets" sheep, currently in the CAF Adoption Agency
