Spin-off: Four Demonly Kings; Fairy Godfathers
Mission canon(s): The Hobbit
Part 2 of: Kaguya's Dilemma arc
Something is happening to Kaguya.
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: cultural insensitivity; bl8 and bl12.
Luxury was written by Jay and Acacia. Ichi the mini-daruma is based on an inappropriate nickname in a fic by Anjarie03. The fic, titled "The Lingering Lady", belongs to ElissaRoth and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it.
Somewhere in the middle of the Headquarters' entangled and fickle hallways, three Japanese agents and one Normal-Sized Temmie stood, all exhausted and panting, but none inclined to take a rest. "Have you seen anything? Have you found Kaguya-sama yet?" Momoka asked, breathless.
"Nah, still nuthin'," Urato replied. "I even went intah Hotetchi's office, n' even she ain't know where da heck he is. Man, whadda frig is dis guy? Disappearin' on us like dis!"
"Looks like we need to split up and look again. Besides, will you stop calling our boss that?" Inasuke said, while his mini Booky just shifted around looking confused.
No other answer was needed; they once again each set off in a different direction. When even attempts at contacting Kaguya by phone failed, there was no option left. On their minds, only one question reigned:
Where could Kaguya-sama / Guyatchi / Hazama-sempai be?
Sharing an RC with two partners were certainly not without its perks, but some days FĂĄelĂĄn wanted to be the only one within its walls. Helena and Sheen, while excellent conversation partners when it came to fandom, could get irritating with their bickering; thus, FĂĄelĂĄn could never appreciate enough the peace and quiet when the two left to get art supplies.
Of course, that peace and quiet wound up destroyed by a knock on the RC's human-sized door – the door reserved for FĂĄelĂĄn, while the Pixie Hollow fairies used the tiny door next to it.
FĂĄelĂĄn was taken utterly aback once he swung the door open: facing him was a slender, handsome man with long dark hair. However, it wasn't the man's beauty that surprised FĂĄelĂĄn; rather, it was how utterly familiar he looked.
FĂĄelĂĄn had no words to say other than, "Cassia?"
Kaguya was clearly in no mood to correct the name FĂĄelĂĄn used for him; his eyes were downcast, his expression equally glum. He said, "I'm sorry for showing up unannounced, but I wonder if I can move into this RC starting today. If you have any problems with this, I'll leave immediately."
FĂĄelĂĄn didn't answer; instead, he started pulling Kaguya's suitcases into the room. Even with his fairy strength, the suitcases' weight lead him to complain, "Ugh, what are in these things? Did you pack lead in here or something?"
"Those are mostly clothes. That one is makeup, accessories and other necessities. Be careful not to break anything," Kaguya replied, voice as dull as his facial expression.
"Typical Pomefiore," FĂĄelĂĄn said once the cases had been placed against the wall. "Of course, you're welcome to stay here any time, but if you don't mind my asking, why are you moving? Did you get reassigned? The Floating Hyacinth never told me anything about this."
Before Kaguya could respond, the RC's console, modified to resemble the Dark Mirror from Twisted Wonderland (which in turn resembled the Magic Mirror from Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs), started giving off an eerie glow. On its black screen/mirror surface, a green theatrical mask surfaced and enunciated in a deep booming voice the dreaded word:
[BEEEEEEEEP]
She of Other Worlds
Mirkwood, dense with trees, rife with the ever-present threat of hungry giant spiders and bloodthirsty orcs. Amidst that dreary, perilous environment, a pair of wood elves appeared, one slim and one fat. The former was letting out one grumble after another in a hideous, incomprehensible voice, and not just because the CAD fried itself to a crisp almost as soon as the two entered the fic. However, this didn't seem to surprise or bother the fat one for long.
A breeze breathes through the branches of towering trees, young and old alike. The leaves chatter amongst themselves, while below upon the ground a strange figure comes to view.
[…]
Her hair, that of which resembles the darkest of night skies that would hold the stars and moon in thrall.
Her eyes, the color of a well polished green jade.
A mouth that cloaks itself in crimson so well that even blood shows jealousy.
Her skin is truly pale, yet flawless. She is one with the weather while it snows, as its flakes adorn her hair.
"Yeah, I agree, the prose is so purple I'm tearing up," FĂĄelĂĄn responded to the gibberish out of Kaguya's mouth. "Besides, wow, that's a massive Sue if I've ever seen one. Look at all that glitter! A charge coming right up."
Kaguya had no knowledge of the Tolkienverse, but enter "angry mode" he did. The prose, the formatting, the kimono-clad Sue named Yuekura Shaenling Balon all had plenty to touch a nerve with him. FĂĄelĂĄn meanwhile had a slightly different bone to pick. "Her name isn't valid in any Middle-earth language, and she doesn't seem to fit in with any Middle-earth race. I have a very bad feeling about this."
All in all, it was only halfway into the first chapter, yet the fic managed to annoy both agents.
The Sue came across a young Legolas, who was in shock from an orc attack. After she acted rather dismissive of him – telling him "Who I am, is that truly important to you, when you are the last survivor of whatever transpired here?" after he asked her her name – a second group of orcs appeared. One more short bout of purple prose, then the following happened:
Her hand that once held her fan is outstretched, empty, but not for long. The fan returned to her hand willingly, a faint hum from it as it settles.
Neither agent was amused, but Kaguya was especially irked by the development. "Um, what's 'Japan'? What's a 'weeaboo'?" FĂĄelĂĄn asked in response to his monstrous rambling. "Well, whatever they are, that is not a plausible combat method in the Tolkienverse. Big, big charge."
"Ah, Kagie?" Luxury said, not planning to free Momoka from her bear-hug and let her stand up any time soon. "He was still smokin' hot last time I saw him. I still can't decide if I want to pull his hair or if I want him to step on me."
Momoka was having none of it. "I only wish to know whether you've seen him today or not, and I do not appreciate your calling my master that," she replied, having given up trying to shake off Luxury's weight.
"Wow, I thought you were just tagging along with him all the time; I never knew you two are actually doing total power exchange. That's even better. You're one kinky little peach, aren't you? Now that your master is away, mind showing me some of your expertise? Oh wait, it'd be even better if Kagie was here watching."
Momoka had no escape but to mentally tune out and wait for Luxury to finish her passionate blithering.
Words Like Cloaks and Daggers
Being gifted with the same ability as Momoka to understand Kaguya's "angry mode" speech certainly came with benefits. It was quite an amusing feat of irony: Kaguya was in another department and worked in other continua, yet this mission with him was the most bearable one FĂĄelĂĄn had been on. Kaguya was speaking entirely in hideous noises, yet talking to him was less frustrating than the normally communicable partners he'd had.
Now inside the caves where Thranduil and his people dwelled, the agents witnessed an overexcited Legolas invite the Sue to the Feast of Starlight for her heroics, then Thranduil have a private audience with her.
Thranduil snapped his head to her. “You say the orcs returned?”
Yue nodded, withdrew her fan and spread it wide as it hovered midair of her palm.
Thranduil's eyes flashed in shock. "What?-"
Yue moved her arm to the side, her long nails fanning out. The fan became a blur, hovering in front of the Elvenking, before settling in her hand again.
"That's true, why does the Sue have to show off and act so obnoxiously rude and conceited all the time? That was quite uncalled for; he literally just asked if there are dangerous enemies in his kingdom, you didn't need to throw your Sue-weapon at his face," FĂĄelĂĄn said after Kaguya had his mini-rant, then noted down new information right under the line brainwashing Legolas into blindly worshipping Sue. "Not to mention, drawing your weapon on a king like this is rude, especially if it's Thranduil. He locks the dwarves up for less; she should be very thankful he's not doing the same to her."
"You could do everything I am capable of, if you practice and strengthened your ki. ("Oh, will you just stop adding your stupid things to this world?" FĂĄelĂĄn exclaimed) You could even do this." She'd stepped up to Thranduil, her long index finger tapped his forehead.
Thranduil gaped with eyes unseeing for a moment.
"What!-You?...." Thranduil breathed finally after Yue's finger moved from his forehead. "These..... are your memories?"
"No, seriously, I don't know what Japan is," FĂĄelĂĄn said. "But anyway, ugh, a huge charge for inappropriate touching and literally brainwashing a canon character! Why hasn't Thranduil jailed the Sue yet? She's getting worse! I mean, look at this bit in the Words."
“What is Kureth up to?” Thranduil asked his son dryly.
His little son scowled.
“He thinks she is a gold digger, and has ensnared us as if by magic.” Legolas hinted the last two words. Thranduil got the hint.
Thranduil sneered. The lack of faith sometimes was amusing in his court.
"Oh, get out of here with that nonsense! Sue-lady, you do realize an entire elven settlement fell and the Rings exist because people placed blind trust in a disguised Sauron, right? Thranduil of all people should know better! Are you trying to get him to destroy his own kingdom?"
Kaguya responded with some more gibberish, to which FĂĄelĂĄn answered, "Oh, sorry, I got carried away. This fic really has enough to tick off both of us."
"Oi! Ya seen Guyatchi- Hazama Kaguya 'nywhere?" Urato shouted his throat raw over a trio of teenage boys singing loudly in the hallway. "Y'know, kimono-wearin' dude with long black hair? Dya even hear me?"
It was futile, and the three's singing was a nightmare to Urato's ears. They were a self-proclaimed pop group newly formed in the Headquarters and a flashy-looking bunch: one had brown hair, one had pink, one had blond hair so pale it was almost white; all three were dressed in outfits decked out in ribbons and frills. Their singing however left much to be desired: it sounded about like police siren crossed with rusty hinges overlaid with Nazgûl rapping while Darth Vader beatboxed, played at half the speed.
Urato and his two partners had agreed to ask every person, animal, plant, artificial intelligence, eldritch abomination and whatever else they came across, but these three he skipped in order to save his ears.
The Fruits of One's Labors
The fic had been steadily making the agents angrier, but then one particular development set them off.
After the Sue injected her memories into Thranduil's head, she was granted board in the deceased Mirkwood queen's old bedchamber, thus earning a charge for undeserved special treatment. A member of Thranduil's court, a male OC named Kureth (a charge for invalid name), rightfully found her behaviour suspicious and secretly placed needles into her bed to protest her stay. Even though the Sue had sustained no injury due to her Sue powers, she took revenge on the poor elf by conspiring with Legolas to secretly inject him with a substance that made him grow noticeable mammaries. Thranduil and his court were amused that one of their men was mutilated and publicly humiliated, but the agents were not.
Thranduil tried his best to not stare at the two healthy bumps on Kureth's chest, unlike the rest of the elvish court, they stared thoroughly and some seemed to rather ashamedly enjoy what they saw.
What a perverted court.
[…]
Thrranduil chuckled under his breath, beckoning Yuekura and his son forward to stand in front of him.
Once he was sure it was just them, he spoke, gazing at Yuekura with amusement.
"You are a woman I shall take care I do not offend."
… and the exchange was instantly interrupted by two incensed generic elves.
"Stop your complete and utter cruelty right now, Yuekura the Weeaboo Sue!" Kaguya cried, voice normal again to FĂĄelĂĄn's surprise. "The Protectors of the Plot Continuum convict you of rampant fangirl Japanese in a Western fantasy universe; having a name that's nonsensical in the language you're trying to ape; being overpowered and insufferably arrogant, showoffish, rude, and callous; annoying purple prose…"
"… creating names that are invalid in Tolkienverse languages," FĂĄelĂĄn continued, Thrranduil the mini-Balrog standing scowling next to his foot. "Literally brainwashing Thranduil into favouring you and treating you as if you are the queen; mutilating another person's anatomy for a petty reason, yet getting congratulated by everyone else and the story never acknowledges how unforgivable and unnecessary this is; rendering Thranduil and Legolas OOC and evil, namely by making them blindly trusting of you and amused by your hurting and humiliating one of their men; and being a blatant Mary Sue. For this, we cannot let you live. Say hello to Mount Doom lava."
Inasuke crouched down, watching Booky try to communicate with the Sleep Mellon and Ichi, Kaguya's mini-daruma. It was easily one of the cutest spectacles he had ever witnessed; he couldn't help producing his phone and taking a picture.
When it came to asking the whereabouts of Kaguya however, it soon proved troublesome even without the creatures' inability to communicate like normal humans. Ichi was unlike the average adopted mini: it was rarely, if not never, in RC 381 or seen anywhere in the vicinity of its adopter. It was a fiercely free spirit that spent its days hopping around HQ, heartily laughing all the while. It was thus clear it did not know where Kaguya went, despite being his mini.
But even if it did, it couldn't say anything beyond WA-HA-HA-HA-HA.
The Sue was slain, the canons present at the scene neuralyzed, the OC whose body the Sue altered (who gave his name as Mallas rather than "Kureth") treated at Medical before being recruited, the mini dropped off at OFUM, and the agents safely home. All was well, but Kaguya seemed far from happy. Sitting properly but despondently on the floor, he just stared ahead, blank like a statue.
"Cassia? Are you alright?" FĂĄelĂĄn asked. "You did pretty well for our first mission working together. Is something going on?"
Kaguya responded with silence before finally speaking barely above a whisper, "I am a useless scum."
But then, barely a blink later, the RC's human-sized door opened. Both Kaguya and FĂĄelĂĄn were taken by shock, but the former more so.
At the door were the three people Kaguya had been acquainted with and working alongside until then. The remaining three Demonly Kings.
A/N: Ichi the mini-daruma is now officially free-to-use.
Minis:
- Thrranduil (adopted by Manjushage Hinata)
Rescued characters (all up for adoption):
- Mallas, formerly Kureth
